Saturday, January 10, 2009

Paula Abdul & The Cartoon Cat Were Right - 1 Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Well, the process of dechubbification has obviously not started. You ever have those moments of extreme clarity? Like I had when I started this blog. The ones that say, TODAY'S THE DAY! And then you do it. You go to the gym and you follow through. 

And then . . . I got busy. Then school became overwhelming. And then I had to move. And then . . . I just didn't go back. Now it is January, nearing the middle of January actually, and I am keenly aware of the fact that my once "fat" jeans are starting to fit like my former "skinny" jeans. Meaning really that they don't fit at all and unlike the sexy skinny jeans that made me look skinny even the fat jeans don't disquise the belly.

Yes, that is what is it, The Belly, like a separate entity all its own. Standing free and ruling my behaviors. Much like my emotional eating. (Uhm, it sounds like I am blaming other things for my choices, denial much?) 

But I will move from my self-loathing because that has not helped these past 6 years of desiring weight loss. In face the past 4 when it was rising and rising and could have been stopped (or better managed) the self-loathing seemed to back-fire. What's that? You can't depress yourself into losing weight? How odd, because I thought feeling bad = feeling motivated. Silly girl.

These are my two top (former) statements of humorous and distracting forms of self-deprication:

1. I'm just twice the girl I used to be.
2. I am keeping the thin girl inside me warm with all this extra skin.

This message does not seem to be particularly useful, but I had a plan at some point and it needs to be re-activated. Now, to learn how to re-activate!

I hope my diet starts on a different day than everyone elses, theirs all "start tomorrow" but tomorrow never comes. Oh Little Orphan Annie come and sing me a song of hope. 

Weight: 180-ish
Loss: negative
Gain: Almost 5 pounds

Goal Achieved: If goal were lethargy, depression and weight gain then, frankly I rock!